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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
—  Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
—  Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—  Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
—  Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
—  Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
—  Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
—  Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve it through not dying.
—  Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
—  Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
—  Woody Allen

   

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