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If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
— Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
— Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
— Steven Wright
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in the other museums.
— Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.
— Steven Wright
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
— Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
— Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
— Steven Wright
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
— Steven Wright
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
— Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
— Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
— Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
— Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
— Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
— Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
— Steven Wright
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
— Steven Wright
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
— Steven Wright
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
— Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
— Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
— Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
— Steven Wright
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
— Steven Wright
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
— Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
— Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
— Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
— Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
— Steven Wright
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
— Steven Wright
I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.
— Steven Wright
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.
— Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
— Steven Wright
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
— Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
— Steven Wright
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
— Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
— Steven Wright
My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed ... I have a Court Jester size bed ... It's red and green, has bells on it ... and the ends curl up.
— Steven Wright
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
— Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
— Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
— Steven Wright
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile ... for a satellite picture.
— Steven Wright
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
— Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
— Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
— Steven Wright
Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
— Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included ... So I had to buy them again.
— Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
— Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
— Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when suddenly the prescription ran out.
— Steven Wright
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
— Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
— Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
— Steven Wright
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
— Steven Wright
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
— Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
— Steven Wright
You can't have everything ... Where would you put it?
— Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
— Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
— Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
— Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
— Steven Wright
I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre ... a one-way round-trip ticket ... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday ... that way, you still have the weekend.
— Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
— Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
— Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
— Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
— Steven Wright
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright ... until you hear them speak?
— Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
— Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
— Steven Wright
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
— Steven Wright
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
— Steven Wright
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