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If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
— Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
— Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
— Steven Wright
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in the other museums.
— Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.
— Steven Wright
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
— Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
— Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
— Steven Wright
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
— Steven Wright
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
— Steven Wright
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